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Withirdeye

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01:28 am: Finding Meaning in Losing
I'm not sure exactly what I want to say. I feel sick; sick to my stomach, sick to my head, and sick to my heart. I do my best to enjoy whatever good is going on day to day, when things are bad (and they have been for a while now). But being happy is stressful in itself, and to those around you that care. Always looking on the bright side means the pressure keeps building for something bad to happen. And instead of letting that pressure release in small steady increments, I just let it build and build until the seal couldn't handle it anymore. Now, I'm here feeling like crap and I can't cry. I don't deserve to anyway. I'm so stupid and blind; I can't see past my own bullshit sometimes. When did that happen? I can't remember. All I know now is that my life is currently FUBAR, I can't figure out how to fix it, and I (apparently) want to make sure I alienate the ones closest to me. I think part of me wants to call it quits, but I'm so frustrated with myself that I won't. I know I have some control in making things better, and I'm pissed off that I keep sabotaging myself. One would think that I'm purposely setting myself up to fail. Well this is as close to rock-bottom as I'd care to be, thank you. I've really got to get my shit and my act together. I'm not getting any younger, as much I wish I would. I just need to figure out for myself what in the hell is wrong with me!

Current Mood: depresseddepressed
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